. . .& Take It Too Far!

I just deleted two paragraphs. This post is going to look a bit different than what I had originally thought when I started writing a few days ago.

Today was hard.

I know I'm not alone when I say, I thought I had it all together. I thought my mind was clear and I wasn't "feeling" anxious about anything. I thought I had settled into a new routine with this whole quarantine/social distancing/shelter-at-home situation we've found ourselves in.

But then. . .

I went to the grocery store. You know the ONE grocery store that is a 45-minute drive (gravel county road and highway) from my home. And I come to learn that they have implemented "One-Way Aisles" - on top of "Shopping Cart Distance" stickers. Want to know what happens when an already understaffed store (low number of cashiers) and an already somewhat small space further enforces spacing recommendations - things get bumped into. Three carts in one "Shopping Cart Distance" line makes for parking stops within the "One-Way Aisles." Want to know what hangs on the ends of these aisles? You know the random "extra" grab your attention, don't need things - toys, phone chargers, I don't even remember what was hanging on the particular one that my pinky finger was rammed into as I was trying to navigate around the cart waiting third in line "Shopping Cart Distance" from the second person in line. And it wasn't a simple bump, the cuticle is pulled away from my nail, it's bleeding and throbbing and I head to the next line trying to make sure I don't get blood on anything. And a very big, sincere thank you to the lady at the register I end up at for giving me a sanitary-sprayed paper towel to wrap my finger in because I get to bag my nearly overflowing cart myself since I'm one of those weird people that bring their own bags to the grocery store. And thinking that it'll be fine and I don't mind doing it (and I really, really don't) I realize that I'm never fast enough.

None of this is any one particular person's fault. The grocery store is doing what they are told to do to keep their customer safe - "Shopping Cart Distance" - my fellow customers are following those guidelines; if anything it's me, right? I should have made more of an effort to ask for more room, I should have slowed down and paid more attention to my surroundings. I should have remembered the chaos of my last self-bagging experience and therefore left my bags in the car.

Have I taken things too far yet?

This is not how this post was suppose to go. But from the get-go I've said I want to be honest. I want to let those that may see where I'm coming from know they aren't alone and those that don't can maybe see/understand another side of the circumstance.

"Take It Too Far" is the new devotional I started this week. Written by Jess Connolly (The Girl For The Job) and I've been looking forward to having it follow my "100 Days to Brave" devotional ever since I pre-ordered it, I don't know, the end of March, maybe? And I've loved reading her book The Girl For The Job, so I was looking forward to a study from her, too.

In her introduction she shares that the idea of this study and "Take It Too Far" comes from Isaiah 54:2:

Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.

Further she encourages: ". . .asking Him to stretch the curtains of our hearts wide so we can see where we've been holding back. Let's ask Him to lengthen and deepen the cords of truth in our lives as we learn more about Him, His character, His love, and His power. And let's ask Him to strengthen the stakes of conviction in our souls, so we can head out into the world, ready to take our roles as ambassadors too far."

So what does that all have to do with my harrowing (to me anyways) story from above?

If I can't be completely honest about what I'm going through and how I'm working through my very wide range of feelings, then what good will I be at encouraging others to have hope that they are not alone?

You know what happened when I finally got my groceries loaded and I started driving to my next stop. . .I bet you can guess.

I cried. For a good six or seven minutes, including in the parking lot of the store I stopped at. Good thing I didn't see anyone I knew because they would have noticed - those that have seen me cry and know me well of enough would have noticed my slightly puffy eyes and red nose.

I cried because I don't know what to tell my kids when they ask when they get to go to school or church again. I cried because my heart hurts for those that are "sheltered-at-home" which is in fact a worse scenario than having a virus. I cried because I want to be able to celebrate one of my closest friends getting engaged. I cried because I really want to have a "Mama-margarita" night with my girl friends. I cried because I want to be able to let my kids have a play date without being judged. I cried because I have this gut feeling that politics are too involved in the decisions being made. And I cried because I'm tired of being controlled by other people's fears.

And maybe you are shaking your head at me and saying I'm selfish. Ok - just know that if you're going to be cruel I will have none of it. I am being honest. When I look at the FACTS concerning these circumstances they scream that we are OKAY (four-county stretch in Montana with zero cases). They scream that gradually getting businesses back open will do no harm and in reality, we all know keeping them closed is only making things worse. I am not a political person, I really stay away as much as possible outside of educating myself during elections; but when you look at facts and statistics, what do you see? Versus what you see when you watch the news or scroll social media - which would you adhere to?

I've been holding myself back in my honesty - not just on here, but to myself; I am more upset than I even thought I was. Even though I have been physically lengthening my cords in truth - reading more bible studies - I'm not sure I have honestly lengthened those cords to my soul, to my very deepest hurts; do I truly believe He can and will heal those hurts? And this is me working to strengthen my conviction, to be honest, and wanting more than anything to offer hope - if I can acknowledge these faults in myself and bring light to the dark hurts in my own life, then I have hope to find healing. And I want others to know that it is OKAY to feel hurt and mad; where we get lost is when we don't acknowledge those and instead we say or even think we're "fine" but without bringing those hurts to the Light they only fester and start to infect those around us.

Is it easy? Good grief, no! Do I have the formula to help? Only what works for me - writing them down, praying over them and finding a trusted someone to share them with who can help encourage you to stop the festering.

Have I taken it too far?

Maybe. But I can tell you that the itchy scab I'm feeling on my heart is a sign of healing. It was a deep wound, that may open up again, but now I know and I can keep working to leave it open to the Light to continue the process.