Memories

(noun) - an image or impression of one person or instance that is remembered (Merriam-Webster.com)

As a mom, I’ve struggled with “mom guilt” just as other moms have. We’re told to create beautiful memories for our kids, prepare healthy but delicious meals, play with them as often as possible, keep a clean and organized home - and that’s just as moms, add the role of wife and it’s quite exhausting.

This is nothing new. I’m not writing about a new thought or a way to get around it or even to just ignore it. I’m writing to offer a bit of grace.

I am going to start with a question. . .WHY? Why do we have this mom guilt about creating the most perfect childhood like we can plan something like that out?

I had an “AHA” moment a while ago along these lines. I have been struggling with how to “disciple” my kids and if it’s enough to help with their faith journeys. Then I started thinking of my own upbringing and my own parents. You will not hear me complaining and I have not asked my mom how she felt in those days, but as I look back I remember praying with my parents at dinner time and bed time. I remember it being more consistent than not, but I also know it didn’t happen all the time. I don’t remember doing family devotions, but we went to church and that was always made a priority, even after late Saturday nights filled with sporting events. I remember see my parents read their Bibles, but they would also put it down when we approached them for/about something. I believe what “discipled” me more than anything was (and is) how they live their lives. Mistakes were made AND forgiven; grace was shown and not just to us kids, but also to one another. Life was lived and memories were made in what felt like normal, every day along with the bigger, “planned out” events.

So WHY do we feel this pressure to do things “just so?” Even if it isn’t said in as many words, there is a heavy implication that we will screw our kids up if these steps aren’t followed. If we don’t create the very best experiences then they will be ruined, but we also can’t let them think that money is everything so we need to limit material things, BUT if they don’t have this tablet or those shoes or heck, the “best” experiences (which costs money). . .then we aren’t doing enough.

But what I want to know is, who cares? There is one thing that has become exceedingly apparent as my kids get older and that is that we care way too much about what OTHER people MIGHT think. Did you catch that “might?” We’re told ALL the things that are supposed to make the best childhood, but who are we performing them for? Don’t get me wrong, I listen/read parenting advice, but I do also sift through that advice to see if it works for our current season of life or just for our lives in general. You see, this is not just my kids’ childhood - I do not exist just to create their perfect childhood - but it is this “Volf Crew’s” lifestyle. We are doing this all together.

Our boys are boys in every sense of the word and while we do work on teaching them the respect that certain circumstances require, we also are learning that letting them be themselves KEEPS them from being terrors (there are always exceptions). And while we are aware of not getting caught up in work-all-the-time, but teaching them that there is a time for play, we are also learning that memories can be made in the daily moments we’re together. My biggest take away from this past year is that we don’t need to go more than a half mile from our house to make fabulous memories. According the the definition, making memories will most definitely be different for every one; why would we assume that big, extravagant gestures or plans will make the best memories?

Another win for our family in the memory department from this year is a monthly subscription to Chatbooks - receiving a small, simple photo book each month with thirty photos from the month before has been the most FUN gift that I never imagined would excite the boys as much as it has. There have been a couple of months that have somewhat random photos because there wasn’t anything “big” going on, but you would think it had been the best month ever as they look through and remember what went on in each photo. Something simple and yet, memories are cherished.

Yes, I want to cultivate memories AND I want to remember that a memory can be made every day, in the seemingly smallest ways. Yes, I want to have special events planned AND I don’t need to feel guilty or frustrated when it doesn’t turn out how I imagined because that’s not what any of life is about; we get to choose our memories no matter how hard we try to create them.

I think this is how we can extend and accept grace when it comes to cultivating memories - they are different for everyone and the best ones are simply made, not planned.