Honesty
(noun) - fairness and straightforwardness of conduct (Merriam-Webster.com)
I’ve been attempting to try following a “writing challenge” of one post per week and I am already behind! So this is my week two post. . .six weeks since I started the “challenge.”
I’ll admit (I mean the post is titled “Honesty”) that I’ve cherry-picked a bit through these writing prompts - there are a few that make me feel more than a little vulnerable and while I’ve tried to always be open in this space, there are still a few things that I’m still working through that will be kept close to me until there are words to put to the grumblings.
“Tell about one unrealized dream.” This seems simple, but looking back I remember various dreams I’ve had, and I am quite happy that they were never “realized.” Working in a big magazine creating advertisements for big-name companies all while having a tiny apartment in the big city (doesn’t scream any sort of sitcom does it. . .) Or a stay-at-home mom in the city with tons of playdates lined up each week, strolling down the streets to parks and greeting my husband with homemade dinner each night, and then weekends filled with social events for us to have date nights.
However, thanks to this challenge as well as a book/study I’ve started, I had an eye-opening thought make its way into my list of dreams; maybe, since this dream can still “come true” it doesn’t quite fit within the list of suggestions, but it kind of blind-sided me and is something I do hope will come about.
When my husband and I started talking about coming home to live on the family ranch there was a fairly large part of me that was apprehensive about it all, as I’m sure you all can imagine and grant me leave to feel; I had not really ever seen myself as a “farm wife” and even though I knew we would eventually be there I didn’t think I would be doing it as soon as I had. And I’ve written about this before - God’s timing is always so much better than our own plans and I am grateful we made the move when we did. But the unrealized dream was that I truly wanted to be my husband’s partner in this. I had never imagined myself as a housewife because deep down I wanted to be doing the work WITH him.
EJ (10) on the four-wheeler, #FavoriteFreakingFarmer on a motorcycle, Miles (8) on the little motorcycle. Dex got to join mom in the mini-truck!
As I write this, I am listening to my three boys jump on the trampoline with the sprinkler under it and I am reminded again of the beauty and freedom of this place we live and the lifestyle we’ve chosen. I know I haven’t made things easy for my husband (breaking down when plans change due to weather; bemoaning driving 40+ minutes with three rowdy boys to get to anything; and summers busy with more work than play; etc), but I do love it. I love being able to send the boys outside and to feel comfortable enough to lock them out there wink, wink (IYKYK) and getting to see them fall in love with working with their dad but also learning the responsibility that this work requires. And for the sake of honesty, it’s taken me all these nearly ten years of living here to come to this point.
Cultivating honestly, I’ve decided, may be one of the more difficult traits to continuously work on and grow in. As anything that is worth working on, its an everyday decision to be honest. And not just honest with those around me, but also with myself. That I have done “enough” and that I am doing “well” at those things. Being honest enough to seek forgiveness from my kids and husband when I’ve allowed my emotions to over run and they leak out onto them. I am quite good at avoiding conflict at nearly all costs, but I’ve learned how avoiding to be honest, in the long run, will only hurt everyone at some point; that point we will not know of until its come and gone. There is a beautiful hope in the forgiveness allowed by honesty, I pray we may be encouraged to continue in the cultivation of honesty by that ray of hope.
