. . .like a child
God is funny or works in mysterious ways or I'm so stubborn that I need several hints before I realize what it is I'm needing to get a grasp on.
Let's start with yesterday {Wednesday} evening; I was late reading my #TakeItTooFar devotional - then got distracted and never shared it like I normally try to do - but day #8 is titled "Faith." The verse shared is Psalm 46:1 and says, "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." When I read my devotional I try to find a line or two that really stick with me and those are what I journal; here was yesterday's:
"My plan is to praise where I used to fear and teach my brain how well that works. Let's take faith too far and teach our brains a lesson. Let's take faith too far and believe God will show up, He'll still be good, and He'll still be God - even when our bodies and the outside world tell us otherwise."
OK, a few more than normal, but for sure something to take heed of.
Then, at bedtime last night, my oldest {nearly seven, HOW?!} comes up to the living room about 20 minutes after his dad had put him to bed and says he can't sleep. Now, if this is one of the first posts you've read, you may not know that my biggest boy struggles with anxiety a little bit from time to time. This time of social distancing has been hard for him in the unknown of not being able to go to school {which he LOVES} and also not going to all of our church functions, too. Along with other activities that he had been signed up for, but are still in the "unknown" category - he's had a few bouts of the "worries" and last night he explained it as "being too serious." He didn't go into details, but I remembered we had, somewhat randomly, discussed various things that are still very unknown throughout the day and I figured that had triggered this "seriousness."
{Still hanging on with me?!}
So I lay in bed with him and try to figure out what is bugging him, but he's not giving any details; I know it's worry and I've found that sharing with him how I struggle with my emotions and share how I get past them usually helps him to calm down. So I share that I talk to God about it {ie pray}, then I quote any verses that I can bring to memory {worry related or not} and finally I sing to myself {for him it was "Jesus Loves Me"}. I proceed to do all these things for him, lay quietly after the song for a moment, kiss him & say good-night. He hadn't fallen asleep, but I could tell he was close and I left feeling lighter myself.
Now, today, while I was reading "What If It's True" by Charles Martin {check out some Instagram posts for more thoughts on this amazing book!} and as I'm reading in a chapter titled "What's That You're Carrying?" he writes about the gravity of what it meant for Jesus to die on the cross for us; not only the pain he suffered, but also the rejection from God the Father that was required because of the sin that His Son was required to take in order to save us and what it means for us, in that respect, when Christ had said, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me."* Mr. Martin writes:
"I'm telling you to walk up to the throne of God, lift your hand up, uncurl your fingers, and give Him the opportunity either to take what's in it or give it back. But leave the taking and the giving to Him. Your job is obedience, lifted hand, and open fingers. It's an offering. That's it. You let Him decide whether you keep it or it dies."
What is the "it" he speaks of? And how does "it" apply to this post?
"It" is the thing that is most important to us that is keeping us from a closer relationship with God. Whether it is a certain sin we struggle with, a family member we hold on too tight to, an idea about ourselves, maybe a goal or even lack of confidence to go forward in our calling - this is a challenge to decide what is more important? This "thing" or a stronger relationship with Jesus and it's a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute decision we have to consciously make.
Hard, right? Of course, but let's keep going.
My next nudge came from a podcast I was listening to; That Sounds Fun with Annie F Downs has become one of my all-time favorite podcasts to listen to and today she was visiting with Jo Saxton, who I had just listened to like two days ago on a different podcast {Made For This w/ Jennie Allen} for the first time and instantly loved her! They talked about using this "social distancing" time to work on making a habit of prayer. First of all, I loved how she related it to training for a marathon - developing a good habit of prayer is not a cute little idea, but more like building muscle or endurance. I especially appreciated her honesty about how she is being honest with God; even though He already knows all our thoughts, we still need to "get them off our chests" so we can work through them with Him. She challenged me when she asked, "What would you say to God if you don't feel obliged to say the nice things?"
She goes further on to compare how our closest friendships are forged during a time of struggle and that this is a great time to grow our relationship with God as a friendship because we are willing to walk through it WITH Him.
Ok - almost there!
Finally, the last golden nugget that finally caught my attention and will, hopefully, draw this all together, is while checking on my biggest boy during nap time {which he didn't take} he asked me to write a specific verse on my chalkboard that hangs on the middle wall right in the middle of the main floor of our house.
Some more back story - this kid is crazy smart and sensitive and loves reading. He very specifically asked for a "real" Bible for an Easter gift this year. Real as in, not a storybook and I found one which luckily got delivered just in time. He started reading it immediately and after a couple of days I asked Him to read to me and as he was reading in Psalms {because that's where the ribbon marker was} he asked me what it all meant; since I had really no idea, I told him to try reading in Proverbs. Now, I don't know how much he reads at a time, but today he showed me the verse he wanted to be written on the board and it was one that had its own little box which I'm sure helped with his decision, but it got me good:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight
OKAY God - I hear you! These verses - Proverbs 3:5-6 - caught me write in the gut; all the other points that had popped up over the previous 18{ish} hours all fell into place.
Although I'm still a little unsure of what I need to be letting go of, what I'm fearing or lacking to acknowledge that I'm feeling, I do know that I've been given the steps to start figuring it out!
Pray honest prayers.
Being willing to share everything with my God who has shared His Everything - His Son - with me because of His Fatherly love for me. When I doubt that or don't "feel" it, I remind myself of how much I love my kids and then remember that He loves me even more than that. Unfathomable? Yes! But, just as my child can find comfort in me even after a hard day together, I know that that Love will always be there to hold us up, more so when I willingly humble myself in the knowledge of how much I need that Love.
Being humble, like a child who always needs someone, is not human nature. But how about now, when we can't do all the things that make us feel like us, we make a decision to recognize our pride in "all the things" and uncurl our fingers to willingly let our God, who has only good things planned for us, decide what is necessary and what needs to go to bring us even closer to Him.
How about now, when we have all this time with our kids, that we notice their humbleness and trust to guide us during our prayer training which can only grow and strengthen our friendship with the Only One you can truly keep us together. Which will, in turn, teach those same kids that humility is essential and admirable and not to be looked down on.
